Today is a flat and gray day for me. I'm okay, I'm not necessarily down, I just feel like a room temperature glass of gingerale that's lost its bubbles. . (I hear it's good for stomach aches....)
The thing is, I have been working extremely hard at searching for a job every day for the past three months, and this is just one of those days where I've had to stop to undo the knots of worry about my future that seem to have accumulated in my addled brain. It's the longest I've ever gone with out landing a job. For now, I just need to step back, rethink my strategy, let go of my fear and resentment, and continue on continuing on.
That said, this is hands down the hardest job market I have ever encountered in all of my adult working life. I'm trying to change careers in a bad economy. It feels like someone is playing a really bad joke on me, considering the fact that it coincides with my recent graduate degree and the highest level of proven ability and job experience to date.... but a specialized degree doesn't seem to mean squat right now...and yes, I know there are lots and lots of people in the same boat (so say the employed...).
Still... I continue to rise to the occasion in an ever more challenging and competitive job market despite feeling at times genuinely frightened, and at at times, seriously panicked. This economy is not for the faint of heart! With over 175 resumes out there, I have risen to the status of "Guerilla Job Hunter"... and I have good game... I fully research the target company in advance, I do follow ups, write great letters, I think on my feet, have a great academic record, solid references, some impressive career experiences, the works...Yes, I'm smart, I can stand out, I promise...but... so far not much is happening… but I’m open…even in this mercenary atmosphere, I'm open.
For one potential job, I interviewed over the the phone for two hours, then met in person with the potential employer for close to five hours. During the interview, his dog farted oniony smells from all the greasy Hungarian meatball treats I was encouraged to feed him to keep him from getting too aggressive, while his master talked, and talked, and talked, in a thick Hungarian accent all the while chain smoking Marlboro Reds. (I liked the guy). After the interview, I did some additional research, found a few potential leads and creative marketing materials for his business. I even wrote several follow up emails with a few informative articles about news and developments in his industry. Yet even after all that, he didn't get back to me when it came down to the final decision, despite the heartfelt speech he gave me about believing in being up front, and in keeping promises to be truthful with one another in the process. Uh huh, okay...sure
It's fine that somebody else who is probably more suited to his business needs got the job, it's just the lack of courtesy that gets me down. It's like being kicked after you've already tripped and hit the ground. At the end of our meeting, he walked me to my car and talked to me for another 40 minutes on the street, avowing that it would be 'a couple of weeks' before he would make a final decision, and assuring me he would be in touch, that he liked me very much, that I was highly qualified blah blah blah, but, alas, three, four, five weeks later, ( insert cricket sound). I even emailed him a final time, just to make sure, but he obviously couldn't be bothered to answer, even though he had taken the time to "friend" me on Facebook. How awkward is that? I was so tempted to email him back one more time with a simple "really?"....but that would just be self defeating in the long run, I suppose...because I must leave all doors open for the time being, 'though this blog has the potential to slam that door one more time...at least- (may be time to unfriend him)
Then there is, or I should say, as of today, there was the potential job with the big publishing company for the sales rep position, which I was personally and rather highly recommended for by one of the company's valued clients, my dear alma mater. I made it through two phases of the company's interview process, and was told by the regional manager who interviewed me that it would be a few weeks before the company would make a decision on which of their candidates would make it to the third round, adding that I "did well," and that he "liked me." After three weeks of silence I emailed him and a week and a half later... still ... nothing... not a word....nada, niente, zip...
Today I got a call from a teacher friend who got some inside information, and it looks as though they have all but hired someone. I hear she looks like Barbie... (very, very faint, yay).
Does my missing a quality or two that you might be looking for warrant the disrespect? I think not.
So I guess the lesson in this is that the current mercenary trend of low-balling on wages and the 'no word whatsoever non-response response,' is the new millennial way of saying (roughly translated): " you didn't get it, but we needed to string you along for a month while we hunted around for someone better (and in this case hotter, younger) while we made up our minds and really, it doesn't matter to us how that impacts you. We were going to get you for really cheap, anyway." Okay. Okay, I get it, rejection emails are so 2007. The economy is bad, and the good, real jobs are scarce. ( Did I mention that since I have been sending out resumes, my inbox is flooded with emails from various financial advisers, mostly Nigerian, who wish to inform me about a substantial fortune they'd like to share with me if I can just send my banking info)? Seriously, if a person makes it through two rounds of interviews, the very least the interviewer can do is respond to a freaking email inquiry. How hard or how time consuming is that in our age of technology? Uh, about 130 key strokes and 60 seconds max? Nobody in my opinion is so important or so busy that they can't be a member of the human race...
And yes, two months ago, if I read a blogpost like the one I am presently writing, I would immediately cast a negative judgment on the blogger as a "whiner" all the while going over the scenarios in my mind, feeling confident that similar situations could never ever ever happen to me...because I always, always, always have managed to get the job! ...until this time….
So right now I have to discipline my mind not to dwell on what was, and what isn't, and what others have that I don't at the moment, because to dwell is to feel resentment, sadness, and a deep sense of loss, which are useless, out of place emotions in what is turning out to be a long and uphill trek. But man oh man, it's so damn hard not to dwell and wallow, especially when, in a moment of self pity, it rushes into my head that only a few short years ago, I had my own business, I was the person who was doing the hiring and firing, and I was the person who had the means and power to help out a few struggling individuals, and back then, my husband and I really did help. We did not help because we wanted something back, ( how great is that feeling to not want something in return for a kind act!), and we did not help because we felt superior, yet, I find myself hurting a lot these days because life is not giving back all that much, and its just so hard to understand the whys, and the why nots. It's hard not to feel like it must be the result of me being not worthy- it's all such a compare and despair trap, and every few days, I find myself falling into it...
My guess, is that it's not for me to know, it's just for me to accept, and work on.
I know this much: in the past, when my husband and I saw someone in trouble, they didn't have to ask for our help, we just did it because that's what we believe is the right thing to do. No fanfare necessary, no need to make anyone feel creepy. Besides it's always been a rather pure way to express thanks and gratitude for what ever abundance we have had in our lives.
I was raised by a mother who lived though the Great Depression- and she must have told us a thousand times all throughout our childhood when we were blissfully unaware and oh so lacking in appreciation for what we had in our 6 bedroom, four and half bath tudor home in an upscale NYC suburb, that life and circumstances can, do, and will sometimes change drastically- She told us stories about how her family were shameful "rent hoppers" in the early '40's because her father couldn't find work no matter how hard he looked- and that she and her family lived in a tent on Lake Michigan for an entire summer when she was 10, not because they were on vacation camping, but because they had nowhere else to go.
Just thinking about how uncertain life must have been for my mother as a young girl growing up, makes me realize I really need to stop feeling so sorry for myself ( but don't tell her that)!
The one thing I know in all this is that nothing stays the same. What do they say? 'It's not over until the fat lady sings...'? I agree. I'd even go so far as to say never ever ever think of the fat lady as just "the fat lady" because everyone and everything is subject to this thing called change. And hey, don't look now, but the proverbial fat lady you’ve been busy writing off all this time and who you have only thought of as “that fat lady" could now well be the Barbie that just beat you out of your dream job.....
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