my first blog

Well, let's see. This is my blog, my first blog, ever. I decided to name my blog "maggie asks the floaty pen" because recently I ratted myself out to several friends for being the neurotic fool that I am sometimes. Here's how: When I found out that my mother in law in Ireland had a mild stroke this past week, I somehow managed to convince myself that I must have heart disease too, after all, there's nothing like  the threat of death of a parent ( in this case, an in-law) to remind one of their own mortality.  I'm 52 years old, in my second year of grad school, stressed out, living the life of a 25 year old, and am about 20 pounds heavier than I want to be, and completely ashamed that I started smoking cigarettes again. ( I know- it's a crime).  So I began to obsess on my own mortality- feeling sure that I was going to die... the floaty pen said NO.....

My mother in law is okay for now, thank God. And despite the fact that  we heard that my mother in law was going to be fine, the morning after, I walked out into my back yard and saw a black bird the sise of well, a large cat. I never saw a black bird that large , it was.. yes, a RAVEN....( of the "never more kind") Naturally, I thought it must be a sign that someone was going to die and so, I decided that someone had to be me. So of course I asked the floaty pen, but not before I created the whole scenario in my mind ( I really should have been a film maker)
The floaty pen. you ask? It's an online  free yes/ no oracle  that  you  type your question into, and the floaty pen gives you a yes/no answer.   It's a completely ridiculous habit that I fell into ( like smoking again)  When I am stressed out and want answers,  I know that an electronic floaty pen can't possibly answer my questions in any meaningful way, yet some how those yes no answers in the moment make the moment pass....

How can I possibly admit that I  consult  the floaty pen in a blog that others will potentially read?  The same way I plan on writing about what it's like to be a  52 year old married woman  in grad school who has found a way to compartmentalize her feelings when insensitive people feel they have a right to boldly ask me personal questions such as, for example, why I  don't have children?... or who subtly and sometimes not so suggest  that I am some how not whole because I haven't had children and who think they need  to offer alternatives , such as  suggesting my dogs can be a substitute for children... (yeah.... it's true) One  mother with two toddlers actually said that to me one day... and my response was, "well, no, they're dogs- they are a part of our household and they are like family to us, but they are not a substitute for children" .... as if she was trying to bring me up just half way to her level.... hmmmm , same way I plan on telling you what I think about a lot of things. The next time someone asks me  why I dont have children, I'm going to shut them up by answering, "what makes you think it was a choice."

I started a food journal today too- Im going to lose that 20 pounds....just ask the floaty pen

Until next time,

Maggie